Coolness explained

Dear Doctor Angela,

What is the secret to your coolness? I mean Strongbad can’t touch you. I think it will really help me with the ladies…

Sincerely,

Envious in Anchorage

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Dear Envious in Anchorage,

I can understand your struggle. Not many people really understand how to be cool. It’s quite the art. Lucky for you with my simple 5-step process, you’ll be on your way straight to coolness, and you won’t have enough free nights for the ladies.

Step 1: Tell people about your coolness. Obviously there is a lack of knowledge, so why not get the ball rolling and get the word out yourself?

Step 2: Wear your sunglasses indoors for just a little too long indoors. This is an old trick but it sends the same message every time, I am too cool for school, and too cool to remember I still have sunglasses on. Walk into the room, resist the urge to remove your sunglasses. Then about 15 seconds later, casually “realize” you still have your sunglasses on, and slickly remove them from your face and slid them into your pocket.

Step 3: Make a Facebook album and include only pictures of yourself from one photo shoot. You, yourself and a camera. Take a stance, stretch out your arms, look casual, look athletic, flex, take some clothes off,  just don’t look at the camera. Entitle it something creative like “all about me” or “just me”. I mean, you’re just so cool, who doesn’t want to look at 30 pictures of you in different poses?

Step 4: Act like you don’t care. You don’t care about tests, your job performance, or anything really important including others. If someone asks if you are considerate of xyz, automatically respond with: “xyz can suck it!”

Step 5: Tap into cool media sources. See the new Beverly Hills, be on top of Gossip Girl and make sure you know what’s going on with Survivor, Top Chef & American Idol. If any of these shows come up in conversation, you have to know what everyone is talking about and be able to contribute. After all, everyone wants an intelligent friend.

Follow Steps 1-5, and everyone will think you are super cool…and if you don’t, you won’t even notice, because you’ll have spent so much time doing things and thinking about yourself that it won’t matter. Until next time…

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No one is thinking about you. They’re thinking about themselves, just like you.
-Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination

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2 responses to “Coolness explained

  1. LOL LOL LOL
    Why such sarcasm? LOL I think you’re cool LOL and I KNOW you don’t do any of these things LOL… cuz if you do we might have to reevaluate our friendship LOL

  2. Hahaha, I distinctly remember having a long conversation with you about step #2. That is like, one of your top 5 pet peeves, isn’t it?

    By the way, everything you have listed here is basic criteria for being a hipster. You’re not a closet hipster, are you??

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