Category Archives: humor

Why We All Hate Soccer

Why We All Hate Soccer

Currently I’m reading a book by Chuck Klosterman called “Sex, Drugs, And Cocoa Puffs”. I know what you’re thinking and don’t worry, you don’t not have to discredit my logic about the game of soccer because I am not quoting my reasons from this book. But, Chuck dedicates a chapter to the idea that Americans hate soccer. I think his reasoning is valid, but I don’t think he quite grasps the real reason we hate soccer…and he couldn’t know either, he’s not an athlete.

Chuck’s idea as to why we hate soccer
~First off, tons of kids play soccer. In fact it is the No. 1 youth participation sport in the U.S. according to Soccer Industry Council of America (probably really unbiased). On the surface this might make you think that soccer will make a comeback in this country, but that is just nonsense. The reason so many kids play youth soccer is not because they love it, and are really good at it, it’s because kids can completely suck at it and no one really notices. It’s not like baseball where every kid has to bat, and face the embarrassing truth to themselves and all bystands that they have no hand-eye coordinator and look like a dummy missing every ball that blows by them. In basketball with only 5 kids on the court, again, a kid that’s got no game is going to look like a moron when he can’t dribble to save his life and throws the ball away when it hits his hands (not to mention the embarrassment of air balls).

BUT, in soccer, if a kid is awfully unathletic and terrible, he can hit this by simple never touching the ball. It’s a win-win. The kid wins because he gets to be part of a team and feel like one of the gang, and he gets to please his parents by being involved in an extra-curricular, all while hiding the fact that he secretly is a horrible soccer player (which could also be considered a win. So Michael Scott would categorize this situation as a “win-win-win”. It’s the only sport of it’s kind. That sums up Chuck’s theory.

The real reason we hate soccer (My reasoning):
~Normal American athletes suck at it. That’s it.

Think about it: great athletes in this country are defined by being great at one of the following top American sports: Football, Baseball, Basketball. All of these sports are played with heavily hand-eye coordination skills. Sure, there is some foot coordination involved in these sports. Take defense for example (but we don’t hold up these players as high as we do the scorers, let’s be honest). Largely, these sports are based on passing, catching, shooting, hitting, throwing – all hand-eye. These are our great athletes – the men and women who succeed in these skills. We love them, we worship them…then there is soccer.

Soccer makes an idiot of our hand-eye athlete friends. They suck at soccer. If I’m a football player and decide to try out basketball, I will realize, hey – I’m really not bad at this. Same goes with any of these sports, even tennis works like this. But soccer is different. There is no hand-eye coordination in soccer, so all of the athletes we hold to the highest are horrible at it, therefore dismiss it completely.

We’re not raised as a people kicking a ball back and forth with our fathers; we’re raised playing catch with our dads, honing the skills of a future basketball star. We’re almost natural good at these sports due to our culture. Since we naturally suck at soccer, we don’t play it. We’re Americans! We hate being bad at stuff, especially sports.

Me, being a basketball, volleyball, hand-eye coordination nut: I hate soccer. My advice: let’s just get rid of it completely. None of the real athletes in this country are any good at it anyway.

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Coolness explained

Dear Doctor Angela,

What is the secret to your coolness? I mean Strongbad can’t touch you. I think it will really help me with the ladies…

Sincerely,

Envious in Anchorage

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Dear Envious in Anchorage,

I can understand your struggle. Not many people really understand how to be cool. It’s quite the art. Lucky for you with my simple 5-step process, you’ll be on your way straight to coolness, and you won’t have enough free nights for the ladies.

Step 1: Tell people about your coolness. Obviously there is a lack of knowledge, so why not get the ball rolling and get the word out yourself?

Step 2: Wear your sunglasses indoors for just a little too long indoors. This is an old trick but it sends the same message every time, I am too cool for school, and too cool to remember I still have sunglasses on. Walk into the room, resist the urge to remove your sunglasses. Then about 15 seconds later, casually “realize” you still have your sunglasses on, and slickly remove them from your face and slid them into your pocket.

Step 3: Make a Facebook album and include only pictures of yourself from one photo shoot. You, yourself and a camera. Take a stance, stretch out your arms, look casual, look athletic, flex, take some clothes off,  just don’t look at the camera. Entitle it something creative like “all about me” or “just me”. I mean, you’re just so cool, who doesn’t want to look at 30 pictures of you in different poses?

Step 4: Act like you don’t care. You don’t care about tests, your job performance, or anything really important including others. If someone asks if you are considerate of xyz, automatically respond with: “xyz can suck it!”

Step 5: Tap into cool media sources. See the new Beverly Hills, be on top of Gossip Girl and make sure you know what’s going on with Survivor, Top Chef & American Idol. If any of these shows come up in conversation, you have to know what everyone is talking about and be able to contribute. After all, everyone wants an intelligent friend.

Follow Steps 1-5, and everyone will think you are super cool…and if you don’t, you won’t even notice, because you’ll have spent so much time doing things and thinking about yourself that it won’t matter. Until next time…

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No one is thinking about you. They’re thinking about themselves, just like you.
-Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination

10 Signs Your Life Revolves Around Facebook

1. “Can I have your number” is replaced by “Do you have a Facebook?”
2. You profess your undying love to inanimate objects such as food, fictional characters and sometimes even real people through your Facebook status on a daily or hourly basis.
3. When planning to take pictures, you sometimes plan the name of your Facebook album before you take out your camera…so the pictures can match it, of course.
4. When you’re bored, you refresh your newsfeed to see updates…like every 10 seconds.
5. The first thing you do when you experience a dramatic event in your life (such as The Phillies winning a World Championship or your favorite character on Lost dies) you, first, update your Facebook status.
6. The worst thing that happened to you last week was when your X friend de-friended you on Facebook.
7. The worst thing that happened to you in the last few months is the new Facebook.
8. You joke about the fact that you say things outload like JK, OMG, LOL, LMAO, but you’ve been saying them for a few months now…
(warning seek immediate help if you exceed more than five characters when speaking in chat)
9. You spend more time playing around on Facebook applications that speaking to people in person.
10. When you like someone, you spend more time looking at their Facebook page than you do having actual conversation with them.
(If this is true, congratulations! You’ve reached first base – Facebook friends.)
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If more than 1 of these situations apply to you, you should probably stop spending so much time on Facebook. If you can add more intense examples to this list from personal experience, please share below & seek immediate counseling.

Proof I’m getting old

Besides graduating from college, I’ve noticed some things about myself recently that have me showing my age. Some are most disturbing than others. May I note, that if you find some of these qualities are those which you are taking on yourself, that’s okay, I’m finding it’s not quite as bad as I once thought it might be.

1. I drink coffee with cream & sugar. While I enjoy a latte and a frappuccino, today I went to Dunkin’ Donut’s for a meeting and ordered a coffee, just a coffee. I would have felt like I was 12 getting the usual (fattening) caramel mocha frappuccino, so I decided to order a mature drink. And surprisingly, I liked it.

2. Weight isn’t so easy to maintain. Now that I’m not in college, hopping in every pick up game of volleyball or basketball, its much more difficult to stay active. So I realize that I can’t eat everything I like and I need to watch the food I eat because I might actually game some weight. This is a disaster. (It also doesn’t help that I work at a dessert company).

3. Bed time rules have changed. My entire life I’ve had problems going to bed before midnight. In fact, it was dang near impossible. Now, by 11pm, I’m exhausted and ready to go to sleep. Very serious change. It’s quite shocking actually.

4. I understand why people enjoy doing nothing. This was a question that plagued me for quite some time. Why/How do older people just sit around and do nothing? Are they depressed? Life must be awful for them! I’ve found its quite the contrary. Sometimes, not all the time, I too enjoy coming home from work and doing nothing simply because I’m tired and I want relax. For someone who is always on the go, this is a new, strange concept for me.

Other factors to add to the list about me or about you?

Hilarious political cartoons

I’m usually not really into cartoons, much less political ones. But I was laughing out loud (loling) when I saw these. I think they’re hilarious. Enjoy. They are provided illegally and unknowingly by our sponser, Time.com.

WFUHS

That’s the organization I am starting up. Please email me your name, email and social security number if you are interested in joining. If you would like to donate, I take Paypal, personal checks and cash money. All proceeds will go towards the WFUHS fund.

WFUHS – Women for (Chase) Utley haircut & style

If we raise enough money, we will pay for the procedure as well as pay for me to personally watch the haircut & styling done.

Boi oh Boi

Boi is not a word. Boy is a word. Just in case you were curious…

Sorry I haven’t been writing…I guess I haven’t had many intelligent thoughts to share as of late. I have been thinking a lot about water recently.

I think I want to switch to distilled water, which is completely 100% purified water. The tap, well, city water you and I consume right now is filled with chemicals, medication backwash and toxins that cause disease and abnormal affects on our bodies (never mind I just took the last gulp of my Pepsi). I am worried about how it all affects us. “The Truth About Water” by Bragg was the defining piece of information that is dragging me from my previous water-drinking habits.  It is also tempting me to eat organic and stop drinking soda and eat crappy food – but I just love dessert and soda, so that may be a long journey.

On the dessert topic, I work at Sweet Streets and my favorite thing in the WORLD is chocolate and peanut butter. We have a dessert called Chocolate Peanut Butter Stack Pie… you  may have seen it at Starbucks. The girls in the office know I LOVE this stack pie and the other day…I found 2 trays of it in my inbox. I feel so loved:)

And there is only one thing better than PB stack pie….Chocolate PB pie with Reese’s!!!!!!!!!

I might just have found my calling.
Sweet Street Desserts