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Why We All Hate Soccer

Why We All Hate Soccer

Currently I’m reading a book by Chuck Klosterman called “Sex, Drugs, And Cocoa Puffs”. I know what you’re thinking and don’t worry, you don’t not have to discredit my logic about the game of soccer because I am not quoting my reasons from this book. But, Chuck dedicates a chapter to the idea that Americans hate soccer. I think his reasoning is valid, but I don’t think he quite grasps the real reason we hate soccer…and he couldn’t know either, he’s not an athlete.

Chuck’s idea as to why we hate soccer
~First off, tons of kids play soccer. In fact it is the No. 1 youth participation sport in the U.S. according to Soccer Industry Council of America (probably really unbiased). On the surface this might make you think that soccer will make a comeback in this country, but that is just nonsense. The reason so many kids play youth soccer is not because they love it, and are really good at it, it’s because kids can completely suck at it and no one really notices. It’s not like baseball where every kid has to bat, and face the embarrassing truth to themselves and all bystands that they have no hand-eye coordinator and look like a dummy missing every ball that blows by them. In basketball with only 5 kids on the court, again, a kid that’s got no game is going to look like a moron when he can’t dribble to save his life and throws the ball away when it hits his hands (not to mention the embarrassment of air balls).

BUT, in soccer, if a kid is awfully unathletic and terrible, he can hit this by simple never touching the ball. It’s a win-win. The kid wins because he gets to be part of a team and feel like one of the gang, and he gets to please his parents by being involved in an extra-curricular, all while hiding the fact that he secretly is a horrible soccer player (which could also be considered a win. So Michael Scott would categorize this situation as a “win-win-win”. It’s the only sport of it’s kind. That sums up Chuck’s theory.

The real reason we hate soccer (My reasoning):
~Normal American athletes suck at it. That’s it.

Think about it: great athletes in this country are defined by being great at one of the following top American sports: Football, Baseball, Basketball. All of these sports are played with heavily hand-eye coordination skills. Sure, there is some foot coordination involved in these sports. Take defense for example (but we don’t hold up these players as high as we do the scorers, let’s be honest). Largely, these sports are based on passing, catching, shooting, hitting, throwing – all hand-eye. These are our great athletes – the men and women who succeed in these skills. We love them, we worship them…then there is soccer.

Soccer makes an idiot of our hand-eye athlete friends. They suck at soccer. If I’m a football player and decide to try out basketball, I will realize, hey – I’m really not bad at this. Same goes with any of these sports, even tennis works like this. But soccer is different. There is no hand-eye coordination in soccer, so all of the athletes we hold to the highest are horrible at it, therefore dismiss it completely.

We’re not raised as a people kicking a ball back and forth with our fathers; we’re raised playing catch with our dads, honing the skills of a future basketball star. We’re almost natural good at these sports due to our culture. Since we naturally suck at soccer, we don’t play it. We’re Americans! We hate being bad at stuff, especially sports.

Me, being a basketball, volleyball, hand-eye coordination nut: I hate soccer. My advice: let’s just get rid of it completely. None of the real athletes in this country are any good at it anyway.

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